why do i bother?

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I get excited over contests (see: Mary Maxim and Interweave’s Poetry Contest) and then don’t win.  Ok, no big deal.  It’s fun to enter and I like the anticipation of the results, so no harm done.  Other than a possible entry fee, there’s no loss to me.

I get excited over submissions (see: Knitty and Twist Collective) and then don’t make it into whatever issue I’ve submitted for.  Ok, no big deal.  I still like the anticipation of finding out if I made it, and the deadlines give me a kick in the pants to get the ideas out of my head and into tangible items.  No loss to me either, as I usually end up with a finished item and finished pattern, which I can then choose to self-publish or put out for free.  (See: Elphie, a free download I offer, that Knitty rejected last year).

I also get excited about other things.  Some of you will remember my bitter disappointment last year when we found out that Jakob was breech, and that I wouldn’t get a chance to have a natural delivery.  I was heartbroken and we even tried a bunch of measures to get him to turn.  Nothing worked.  In the end that was a good thing, as the umbilical cord was loosely around his neck and had he turned things could have gone badly.  Still…while the c-section went like a breeze and the recovery was great, I always felt cheated out of an experience that is a woman’s natural right.

When we got pregnant again I never really thought about the baby’s position.  The odds of having 2 breech babies is pretty slim (I told myself, don’t have any facts on that) and I was really only concerned with whether or not my doctor would allow me to try a VBAC.  Every visit it was discussed, and last time Yannick even came with to finalize our decision.

I had an ultrasound yesterday morning.  I walked in there thinking we’d find out how small the baby was (my doctor’s guess was small-to-normal) and if the baby was head-down, so now we just wait until I go into labor.  Instead I found out that the baby is already 4 lbs 15 oz- which contrary to my first, brain dead thought, is NOT just over 4 lbs.  It’s 1 oz less than 5 lbs.  Which puts the baby in the 91st percentile for size.  And, in what won’t be much of a shock to those able to pick up on the theme of this post…the baby is breech.  And due to the current size, while there is always a remote possibility, the odds of the baby turning in the next 8 weeks is infinitesmal.

So at my regular visit next Tuesday, instead of discussing what goes on during a VBAC birth, I will be choosing my child’s birth date and scheduling another c-section.  Any future children I have will have no option but to be c-sections, meaning I will never, ever be able to have a natural delivery, no matter how many kids we end up having.

I cannot really share how disappointed I am.  I know there are benefits.  I know we will be able to schedule someone to be with Jakob (assuming I don’t go into labor prior to the chosen date/time).  I know it will be safer for both me and the baby.  I know it will give me a few extra days at the hospital taking care of only one child before coming home to take care of two, a house, Yannick and Sam.  I know it’s not the end of the world.

But it’s the end of my dream, and while I am ecstatic to know that the baby is safe and healthy and fine, there is a little something inside me that ended yesterday.  No matter how optimistic I tend to be about every challenge I take on, this is one that no amount of wishing, hoping, praying or optimism will change, and at a certain point will even become a waste of effort.

Jakob is feeling better, still has a slight fever but is starting to get his energy back.  Yannick is doing well and keeping busy with work.  The baby, though upside-down, is otherwise great, kicking the crap out of me and only minimally affecting my ability to sleep and frequency of bathroom breaks.  Life, in other words, is going on as normal, but I am going to take a few days off from blogging and try to accept this latest development.

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Author: Jennifer Lori

maker, baker, cake decorator, mother, wife, partner, friend, gamer, reader, nerd, dork, geek, nail polish addict (not necessarily in order of importance)

12 thoughts on “why do i bother?

  1. I don’t know what to say- words are no use right now. But if I were there, I’d give you a big big hug.

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  2. Sorry to hear that baby number 2 is Breach. I know how badly you wanted to have Vbac.

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  3. I’m so sorry Jennifer. I wish there was something I could say that would make everything better. You can always, alway email me if you need to talk.

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  4. Have you checked out ICAN? http://www.ican-online.org They have lots of VBAC/big baby/breech baby info. Since you’re only 32 weeks, there is TONS you can do to try to turn your baby. And an ultrasound this late in the game is pretty inaccurate. There are also ICAN moms who have had vaginal breech births.

    Don’t give up hope! I’m bet you can still VBAC! Good luck to you. 🙂

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  5. Dear Jennifer,
    Doing the math, I gather you are only at about 32 weeks gestation. Why don’t you consider switching providers to someone in your area who’s more vbac-friendly. With 8 weeks to go, there are still many procedures that can be attempted to convince your baby to turn around. Midwives know and utilize these procedures, which are well-tested and safe.
    I urge you to take a look at the websites of a couple of national non-profit groups, who have no axe to grind, but do have access to state-of-the art evidence-based research on these issues — vbac, breech, and the risks of scheduled c-section. Physicians don’t always give their patients all the information needed for an informed choice. Please google Childbirth Connection, http://www.vbac.com, the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). If you’re doctor won ‘t give you the latest research showing that vbac is as safe and in fact safer than repeat cesarean surgery, you can do your own research. Many other women have done so.
    Good luck to you, whatever you ultimately decide.
    Susan

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  6. I’m so sorry about the possibility of another C-section. There’s still time, so baby might still decide to flip! I’m so glad that everything is going well with baby #2, and that Jakob is so much better, though.

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  7. I’m sorry to hear that #2 is breech! Have you checked out http://www.spinningbabies.com? Or found a chiropractor who does the Webster technique? There might still be hope! Plus, many midwives will deliver breech babies vaginally, and there are MANY women who have VBACs after two (or more!) c-sections! Please don’t give up hope on a vaginal birth for #2 (or subsequent babies). I’m reading a book called “Painless Childbirth” by Giuditta Tornetta and there is a story about a woman who had a breech presentation and through hypnosis discovered why she was resisting attempts to turn the baby and avoid a c-section (she was fine with having a c-section). It’s fascinating what the subconcious mind can control.
    However, the real reason I came here today, LOL. I just bought a Fleece Artist thrummed mitten kit and was going through them on Ravelry when your pictured showed up! Thanks for posting the link to the Yarn Harlot’s site on how she did it (I had almost stopped going through the Ravelry pages, but went just one more and there you were). You’ve saved me some time hopefully and I just wanted to say Thanks!!!

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  8. I just wanted to add—ultrasounds can be way off when guessing weight. Your little peanut might just weigh just over 4lbs like you first thought 🙂 And also, you might want to investigate the benefits of going into labour naturally instead of scheduling a c-section (I think there’s info on the http://www.spinningbabies.com website). And certainly insist on an ultrasound right before the operation–babies have been known to turn unexpectedly (I recently read a doula’s blog where the doctor wouldn’t do a last minute ultrasound, and went ahead with the c-section, only to find the baby was not breech anymore). Good luck with the next 8 weeks, and remember, you are NOT excluded from having a VBAC if you have c/s #2 🙂

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  9. Aww Jenn! I am soo soo sorry! I just read the post today catching up] and my heart is breaking for you! I know how much you really wanted it! Although I am happy that my soon-to-be born baby cousin is healthy and in a good weight! Hugs!!! I guess on the bright side, while you may not be able to ever live out that dream, atleast you are blessed to be able to conceive and carry your baby to term! Love you!

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  10. I’m so sorry things aren’t turning out the way you wanted. 😦 It’s Ok to be disappointed (don’t feel like you aren’t “allowed,” just because others may have it worse). Since you do get to pick the date, is there some cool date you can choose? Maybe so he/she can share a birthday with a relative or something? RJ was born on my mother’s birthday. My mom was so thrilled!

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  11. Hi Jennifer,

    I just wanted to tell you that Egg turned very late – it happened in week 35. I don’t know if having one breech baby is a sign for things to come, but don’t give up hope yet! I didn’t think that it’s ‘very late’ with 8 weeks to go, but then I really never worried about it.

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  12. Hearltfelt post, sweetie. But the baby turned! Yay!

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